Something that didn’t always seem important to me has become front and center in my mind lately. That is the importance of Community.
I’ve had basically the same group of very tight knit friends since High School. Sounds improbable because it very much is. The initial circle grew after we all graduated and moved out of our small town and into Dallas. We spent the bulk of our lives from 18-24 living in and out of each other’s pockets, always having a couch guy, and gaming. So much gaming. We played tabletop RPGs every damn night for hours and people would rotate in and out as they needed to go to work to go grab smokes or caffeine. It was sweet, sweet chaos. Some of us weren’t that into gaming so they’d come, watch/listen/contribute unasked for advice and cadge snacks, DP, and smokes.
Eventually as we got older some folks dropped off the radar due to developing a life that didn’t involve the gaming group. Again, some would come and go as they needed. We were a kind of minor vagabonds within our chosen areas of the Dallas region. We stayed in some pretty shitty apartments but there was always Dr Pepper in the fridge alongside a giant vat of Kool-Aid of some dubious flavor. There was occasionally food but not usually until John got off of work delivering pizza and brought home the pie. We eventually got real jobs at some point or another and lived separate from each other, found spouses or partners, finished college and moved for work, or moved back home (as I did). But… there’s still a core conceit that we will always be there for each other.
So I never really felt the need to make a group of new friends to replace the old ones. Because I still have the old ones! I didn’t see the purpose in having to learn the stories of entirely new people, figure out how we fit together and how we do not, tell them my stories so they can learn about me, or any of that shit. It seemed like a ton of effort for little to no payback as most of those relationships just didn’t last and nobody seemed to give enough of a shit to stick around through any of the hard stuff. Then I found and married my husband and he became my touchstone, my social group, my person. I still had my best friend from high school though!
Actually, I still have her. She’s awesome and can be a real bitch, so I love her to bits. We’ve got nearly a lifetime of shared history, experiences, and friends. We’ve been through the shit together and will continue to do so until we die. Love you, Chris!
But Rusty really became my person for everything. Likely because I moved up to NKY to live with and then marry him. So I was absorbed into his group of friends but they were of a different sort than my old group back in TX. Not better or worse, just different and I never really felt like I was a friend based purely on my own self. I was an addition to Rusty. Which is FINE. I know Rusty felt the same way for a long time in the TX group after we moved back to TX in 2010.
Family is family. Not friends. So I won’t even compare them here.
We moved to Austin a couple of years ago and I felt adrift for a while. Rusty started playing Battletech with the BTechTX group in person at different stores on different nights. I didn’t do … anything. I just worked and came home. We played Overwatch for a long time with online friends and that fizzled when Blizzard got too slimy to just keep consuming their products. Which is a damn shame because I really liked OW nights. Then something magical happened at work.
My peers at work became colleagues, then friends, then GREAT friends. My team members became friends as well in some cases. Not as close because I felt weird coming to a friendship from a place where I was their supervisor but good friends nonetheless. Our little group of Team Leaders became a unified force as we learned how to meld our styles without tearing each other apart. We went through a lot of heart wrenching changes and became strong as hell. We leaned on each other, learned about each other’s lives outside of work. We actually gave a shit about each other which made us a powerfully unified force in the office. Alas, now I’m moving to NY which is waaaaaaay too far to commute. And as a RN I couldn’t even telecommute thanks to licensing variations by state. So now they’re still friends but I won’t see them 5 days a week as well as text with them of an evening. We won’t have that shared ongoing experience and I’ll miss things in their lives and we’ll become more separated. This is as it should be. There’s no avoiding it when you move to an entirely different region of the country.
This time though, I’m really feeling that loss. I now realize that I need capital C Community. In ATX that originated, and was based in, my workplace. Chris lives back and forth between PA and MI these days so I’ll be closer but still not in the same city. I started following a Reddit for women who live in NYC and found myself inspired by the insta-support, understanding, and kindness exhibited by these women as they shared their experiences, lives, and stories with each other through Reddit. Then I joined their Discord server which seems to be having a revival and I’m glad to be part of that. They are starting book clubs, cooking clubs, walking groups, exercise accountability buddies. They’re planning get togethers, outings to play board games, meeting up to play video games online, and shopping/thrifting groups. I’ve committed to joining a get together the weekend before I start my new job! I’ve even spoken up to join the board game group. Hecc! There’s even a group of crafting girlies who are totally going to get me back into knitting.
I was so excited to find these people and I’m hoping to be a welcome addition to the various clubs and such. I’m older than most of them, but I don’t mind too much. I’m really hyped to meet new people and hopefully make good connections. And that’s not counting work! I’m hoping that the shared experiences of hospice care will help to spark friendships at work that grow beyond and into real relationships with meaning. All that being said…
Spawning and navigating friendships from my advanced age is anxiety inducing. I don’t have the same hobbies as most women in my age group and my gender tends to make me stick out in gaming circles (RPG, video, and wargaming). I do not go to a church and am essentially irreligious so that’s a bust. I’ve also become much more of a radical leftist in the last decade or so. That shouldn’t be as much of an issue in NY as it can be here in TX. Down here it must be factored in before I can really share myself with anyone. I’m pretty set in my ways and an introvert at heart so I am way too damn picky when it comes to potential friends. I’m working on that.
It’s hard as hell to find real friends as an adult. I see it everywhere online. People are lonely as hell and stifled by the post-pandemic world. How willing are we supposed to be to meet with strangers in public? Will we seem too clingy to even suggest getting together to hang out? What if I’m just too much? Just too much me? There’s a safety in sticking with what I already know and have. Those people who already love me aren’t going to hurt me for sticking my neck out. They’re not going to judge me for my mistakes. Safe!
It’s easy for me to feel courageous right now from my couch in Austin. I’m not up there yet. I’m not risking my feelings by reaching out to anyone. Not really. It’s all online which is much easier as you can edit what you say before hitting Enter. Where nobody can see your expressions as you cycle through potential responses to conversations. I’m setting up all this stuff to do and to meet people. Bravely. From here. I’m hoping I’ll still be feeling brave when I get up there and are actually meeting new people.